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phifft
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Name: Tanmay
Country: India
Metro: Mumbai
Birthday: 6/23/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: They say that when a hundred monkeys get together and bang the keys on the keybord randomly, the entire works of Shakesphere will be reproduced. Thanks to this blog, you know thats not true. No no, don't misunderstand Me. I'm not normally this dumb. I'm just having a blonde moment. I'm just another Internet-addicted idiot suffering from diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the mind. My ignorance is encyclopedic. Hell, Do I care ? This is my blog. Phifft....
Expertise: Expert Ear Wriggler and Tree Hugger
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
MSN: tanmay_316@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  tanmay236
Member Since:
11/8/2005
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1. Jugal Hansraj took 6 months to develop the script.
That my friend, is a myth. In reality, the script took exactly 10 seconds to be developed. The rest of the time Jugal was busy developing the astute art of Giving Aditya Chopra Blowjobs (GACB), which has previously been mastered by Kunal Kohli (of Mujhse Dosti Karoge, Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic and Being Extremely Cocky About His Films fame), Uday Chopra, That Guy Who Made Tashan and Sanjay Gadhvi.
2. The animation in Roadside Romeo is world class.
That my friend, is myth # 2. It wouldn't be a myth if the world only consisted of India, Bangladesh and the guys who do the animation for 9XM.
3. Kids will really enjoy Roadside Romeo.
No. They will not. They will enjoy watching a DVD of Santa having sex with a G.I.Joe a LOT more than Roadside Romeo.
4. Anu Malik is the worst piece of trash to have ever come out of Bollywood music industry.
No. Roadside Romeo is.
5. Saif Ali Khan has done a pretty decent job in the movie.
No, that is myth # 5. Saif Ali Khan's voice acting in the film is perhaps the most accurate description of the word 'painful'. 'Removing own kidney stones using only your bare hands and hot iron rods' comes a close second.
6. Kareena Kapoor has done a pretty decent job in the movie.
If you open your copy of the Oxford Dictionary, you will now see that the word 'Painful' has two very accurate descriptions. The second one being 'Kareena Kapoor in Roadside Romeo'.
7. Roadside Romeo took two and a half years in the making.
This is by far the biggest factual error in the history of mankind. In actuality, Roadside Romeo took roughly about 20 seconds to be made. The first ten seconds were dedicated to scripting. The next 5 in blowing Aditya Chopra. And the last 5 seconds were invested in actually making the film.
8. The most difficult thing in Roadside Romeo was the rendering of hair on all the dogs.
Myth # 8 ladies and gentlemen. The most difficult thing about Roadside Romeo was grappling with the fact that one has to spend hard earned money to watch it. It's just... so hard.. to accept.
9. Roadside Romeo is a family film.
That is partially incorrect. Roadside Romeo is the last film you'll watch with your family. If it was your idea to watch the film, your family is most likely to disown you. If not, then they all will kill themselves, making you the only lone survivor of this horrific tragedy. Either way, it is the last film you'll watch with your family.
'Dirty teenager sucks dick' or 'Hot Lolita XXX_lovescock' is a much safer bet than RR, when it comes to movies you can watch with your family.
10. The funniest moment in this film was when the camera passed between Romeo's legs and got painfully (no pun intended) close to his dangling canine genitals.
Again, a myth. The funniest moment in the movie was when Javed Jaffrey (Charlie Anna) introduces his three angels as "This is Silk Smitha! This is Nylon Nandini! And this is Polyesther Padma!".
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| ( No, I haven't dissappeared. I just started writing on the other blog and totally forgot about this place. In case you want to check it out, visit www.tanmayology.blogspot.com. Here's something I posted there recently. )
For those who revere every Indian festival, I apologise for the rather lowbred title. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for Indian festivals. I celebrate Diwali, Holi and the likes every year. The common thread that joins all these festivals is that all of them have a certain sense of logic behind it.
Let's take Diwali as an example. Diwali is a celebrated coz Ram returned back from 13 years of 'vanvaas'. I totally get it. If I was forced to live in a bloody jungle for a decade, you bet your ass I would want a fucken bigarse partayy when I return. There's nohing like shaking up the jungle out of you with the groovy folk from Ayodhya.
Now, let's look at Raksha Bandhan.
"The festival is marked by the tying of a rakhi, or holy thread by the sister on the wrist of her brother. The elder brother in return offers a gift to his sister and vows to look after her same as elder sister return offers to younger brother. The brother and sister traditionally feed each other sweets. It is not necessary that the rakhi can be given only to a brother by birth; any male can be "adopted" as a brother by tying a rakhi on the person, that is "blood brothers and sisters", whether they are cousins or a good friend. Indian history is replete with women asking for protection, through rakhi, from men who were neither their brothers, nor Hindus themselves. Rani Karnavati of Chittor sent a rakhi to the Mughal Emperor Humayun when she was threatened by Bahadur Shah of Gujarat. Humayun abandoned an ongoing military campaign to ride to her rescue."
I've highlighted the bit that I found most interesting.
My first reaction to this was, if I may use the exact words that formed in my head, "Fuck, kya wholesale mein chutya banaya!"
In case you don't agree with me and you want to hurl pointy objects towards my crotch, let me give you an explanation as to why I think this Raksha Bandhan thing is a very chutya-banao concept. (Other chutya-banao concepts include Pyramid Schemes like Gold Quest and Amway, The Indian Cricket Team, Democracy and Reality Shows)
I have 3 cousins who stay in my society, one of whom ties a rakhi to me every year. Now, I love her and all, but let's just say that I don't agree to the whole "buy a gift in exchange for a 'holy thread' thing". Here's why.
1. When I was born, Amitabh's Don was very popular. Hence, she suggested to everyone that I be named "Don". Since then, this has become a familial joke at every get together we've had. And surprisingly, the joke is NOT on her.
It's not like anybody goes all "Oh remember, she's suggested we call Tanmay 'Don'. Haha! What a moron she is!". It's more like this - "Oh remember, she's suggested we call Tanmay 'Don'. Haha! Sheer genius! Oh Don! Come here Don! Haha!"
*Sigh*
I'm just thankful that 'Don Muthu Swamy Fun' didn't release at the time of my birth.
2. Gifts are more expensive than 'holy threads'. It's not like they're holy for a reason. They're just called so. If somebody had died or lot a sensory organ in the process of making it holy, I would still get it.
3. When I was a kid, MTV call-and-request shows fascinated me. And in those times, you could hear the VJ's voice when you dialled the number. So once, I happened to call a show which was hosted by Shehnaaz Treasurywala. And my sister happened to find out. And since then she's been teasing me with Shehnaaz Treasurywala. And not just when only I'm around. When the entire family is around.
When all you want to do is be an insignificant person in one corner, she'll rise like a phoenix from the other end and yell out the death spell "OOOH! MOTU! HOW'S TREASURYWALA?!?!"
4. She stopped teasing me with Shehnaaz Treasurywala by the time I entered FYJC. That's because she now had somebody else to tease me with. Apparently she'd spotted me with a random girl at some place near college. And since then she's been teasing me with this one girl, who wasn't even my girlfriend. I spent 2 years in junior college JUST on the lookout for my sister.
A normal conversation with a relatively cute looking girl would go like this -
Cute Girl: So, what's up?
Tanmay On The look-out: Nothing much. You say.
Cute Girl: Nothings up with me too... you know what.. the other day... hey why the fuck are you hiding behind trash can?
Tanmay: SSSSSSH BIYATCH! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! I THINK THAT'S MY SISTER! DON'T LOOK HERE! PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE TALKING TO YOURSELF!
Cute Girl: .......
5. When I was a kid, I loved only two things in life. Cartoon Network and MilkyBar. And once, on the first of April she called me to her house, promising me Milky Bar. I reached there in exactly 15 seconds. Then she told me that there was no Milky Bar. She was only kidding.
Okay, if you think about it now, it's not really a big deal. But I swear, it took 3 grown ups and 5 Milky Bars to prevent me from committing an attempted murder.
And despite all this, year after year I have to give her a gift because she ties me a 'rakhi'. Which is why I say... Raksha Bandhan my arse.
Edit: You guys should probably know that a lot of the above is exagerated. She's not that bad. Maybe one day I'll post about all the times she's been nice to me. Also, she's getting married this January and I'm super happy for her (not so much for her husband though, Ha-Ha!). | | |
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Today friends, I tell you the tale of a boy without whom I, and the
entire BMM department, would be deprived of jokes. It would be
appropriate to say that he is often the butt of several thousands of
jokes from my side. In fact, I would go ahead and say that he is not
only the butt of my jokes, they are also the crotch, the limbs, the
facial hair and the islets of Langerhans of it.
The story goes like this.
If
the legends are to be believed, Chirag has spent the first 17 years of
his life without any sleep. I say this because for the last 3 years he
has been making up for his gargantuan lack of sleep.
Chirag
sleeps before lectures, after lectures.. and often joins us during
lectures in a little game called Sleeping Without Getting Noticed. Of
course, since Chirag is new to the circadian process of sleeping, he
hasn't yet mastered the game of Sleeping Without Getting Noticed. In
fact, he makes it a point that 90% of the people in class and 28% of
the people outside the class KNOW that he is sleeping.
I know
that I am not obligated to give you visual proof, but I will do so
because it is funny and yet at the same time very very fundamental in
understanding the phenomenon called Chirag.
Chirag
has fallen asleep, or in other words - 'canned', in front of us about a
million times. Everytime we're out drinking and having a good time,
Chirag decides to sleep and have wet dreams about other times he slept.
Once, we all were having an interesting discussion about science and
chemotherapy, when Chirag canned WHILST he was in the midst of the
conversation.
Okay fine, I lie. We weren't discussing science. It was more like sports.
Maria Sharapova, to be precise.
A conversation with Chirag will be something to this effect:
Me: Hey! Wanna grab a beer?
Chirag: Sure bro. Lets.
Me: Where do you wanna go?
Chirag: I donno how about that pla the whi as chee bee zzzzzzzzzz....
Me: ...... Okay, so I'll ask somebody else.
He's
slept at possibly every nook and cranny of the house. Several chairs
have had the pleasure of gracing Chirags arse for over 8 hours at a
stretch. Once, Chirag was found - canned, obviously, on the stairs
right OUTSIDE the house. We all like to believe that Chirag fell asleep
WHILE he was ringing the bell to get into the house.
His annoying habit has often led to his downfall. Let's take last month, for example.
Chirag
was up all night working on a presentation. Of course, for a man who
hasn't slept for 17 years at a stretch, one night without sleep must be
a cakewalk, right?
Wrong. Chirag, obviously weakened by the
process of thinking for the presentation, fell asleep WHILE he was in
the middle of the presentation.
I kid you not. He slept WHILE
he was talking. His eyes closed and his coherent sentences suddenly
lost the volubility and turned into sleepy murmurs. The professor of
course didn't think it was funny. She yelled and Chirag of course,
couldn't process the yell since he was, well, 'canned'.
The Canner Who Slept During His Presentation.
And that my friends is number 2 on the list of ten random memories I'm going to share with you about my last 3 years at BMM. | | |
| Everybody has a 'group' in college who they generally hang out with.
And if you happen to be very very social like me, you had several
'groups', but you'll always have that one group of guys you'll always
end up going to the bar with. In my case, this 'group' was made of
Rugved 'Daru' Khante, Amar 'Hummer Paaji' Varma, Adi 'Sindhi Aadmi'
Bhatia, Deva a.k.a Pappi, Chirag 'ChEEraaagh' Patel and me - Tanmay
'Wilkins Mota' Bhat.
Now, you might be thinking - 'Oh funny nicknames! But I bet they don't call each other by that.'
Well, you couldn't be more wrong. You could try, but you would fail miserably.
We
had spent way too many drunken nights together for us to call each
other by names that our parents gave us. We'd rather refer to you as
the sodomized, raped and gang banged version of your name.
Anyway,
the story I'm about to tell you traces it's roots to one of those
drunken nights. That's right, it's one of THOSE stories.
It was
the summer of 2006. Rugved had just moved into an apartment nearby. We
were celebrating his exile from his previous apartment by drinking
voluminous amounts of golden coloured brewery extract, more commonly
known as beer. Or in Rugved's exact words "DARUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...
YEAAARRRGHHHGHGHGH".
We started drinking at about 11 pm, and
by 12:30 pm we all were smashed. I was so happy high that I swear on my
Simpson Boxers, the thought of having to pee and let out all the beer
would have made me cry.
Soon, as our conversations started to
deviate from women, food and Sandra Bullock, I started losing interest.
And I did what I had to do. I played some music.
Now, I'm the
kind of person who likes to play songs that are either audience
participative or downright ridiculous. On this day, I decided to play
Who Let The Dogs Out.
The first time I heard that song, I
thought it was SO ridiculous that it got me excited to the point that I
banged my head on the wall just to calm me down. So now, when I was
drunk, I was just as excited... multiplied by a few million.
Here's a trick that you should do when you're drunk with your friends.
1. Gather all your friends in one room.
2. Ask them to shut the fuck up.
3. Open all windows, doors, cupboards, dustbins and drawers.
4. Turn the volume up on your speakers.
5. Play 'Who Let The Dogs Out'.
6. Change pants which are magnificently wet due to step no. 4 and 5.
7. Close cupboards, dustbins, drawers and more importantly your doors and windows.
8. Point no.7 is to avoid pointy objects being thrown at you by other members of the building.
You might be wondering why I am asking you to do this. It is only because it's the best feeling in the world.
Never
have I wanted to yell out 'WHO LET THE FUCKEN DOGS OUT' in my entire
life. But that night, in that situation, I wanted to yell out those
words more than I wanted to be alive.
And so, I yelled out
those words as loud as I could. Several parts of my lungs got angry and
as a sign of protest they made me cough.
You have to admit,
the first few times one of the Baha Men yells out 'Who Let The Dogs
Out', you cannot help but yell it out too. And so I did. Several
hundred million times.
I grabbed Hummer Paaji and we planted our arse on the window, still yelling (and laughing, yes).
The
next few moments are an actual blur, to be honest. But I do remember
watching several extremely scared dogs in the vicinity, who had
officially been scarred for the rest of their genital-licking lives,
going berserk.
And just like that, we all were in our happy
zone. Careless and utterly oblivious to our entire neighborhood's
necessity for peaceful sleep. However, the local patrolling police van
didn't really care about our happy zone.
The police car came
out of nowhere, and like most people within a radius of five thousand
kilometres, they too heard a bunch of boys yelling out 'A DOGGY IS
NOTHING IF HE DON'T HAVE AAAA BOOOONEEEE'.
They moment the spotted us, they yelled out 'AYE! KYA CHALU HAI UDHAR?!'
Drunk as we were, we didn't know if that was a rhetoric question or a genuine enquiry.
In
what seemed not more than one twenty seventh of a second, they were
upstairs, banging on our doors. Meanwhile, I thought it would be a
swell idea for me to snuck under the bedsheets and pretend like I'm
sleeping. Maybe it was the alchohol, but I seriously thought that the
chances of them seeing a 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide person singing a
verse of a popular english track, was bare minimal.
I was obviously mistaken.
They entered the house and started yelling even more loudly than us. Kinda ironic I thought.
While
I was practically fornicating with that ironic thought in my head, they
entered the bedroom and saw me trying to pull a fast one on them by
pretending to sleep. I was even snoring. Very very loudly.
The moment they saw me they said 'YEH MOTA ABHI SOYA HAI! AYE, CHAL AYE NATAK KARNA BAND KAR!'
They
threatened to take away the computer. It was at this moment that I
wished I could pull of a deus ex machina and save the day.
Unfortunately the words 'C'MON DOGGGY HOLD YOUR BONE! C'MON DOGGY HOLD
IT!' had hijacked my mind.
Somehow, SOMEHOW.... Rugved
remembered that he still had his press card from the time he'd worked
for the crime beat at Mumbai Mirror. He showed them the card and they
left. Not without taking away some of our alchohol.
And that my friends is just one of the ten random memories I'm going to share with you about my last 3 years at BMM. | | |
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I love random 3 a.m. conversations. Especially if the person at the
other end of the phone isn't asleep. But then again, I wouldn't blame
you if you DID fall asleep while speaking to me at 3 a.m. This is why -
*On the phone at 3 a.m. Just in case you didn't read the first paragraph*
Tanmay: You are gujju, yes?
Person: Zzzzz. Wha? Huh?
Tanmay: You are from that western coastal state of India called Gujarat, correct?
Person: Yeah, I am. Why?
Tanmay: You like Dhoklas? And Undiyos?
Person: Dhoklas, yes. Undiyo, no. Why you asking?
Tanmay: No reason. Just asking. *whistles. Looks at tree*
Person: Okay. Zzzzzzzzz.
Tanmay: STOP SLEEPING YOU DHOKLA FUCK*NG CHUNDIYO!
Person: What did you just call me?!
Tanmay: Err, I called you a DhoklaFucker and Chundiyo. Two new gujju abuses, I made. (I like talking like Yoda, sometimes)
Person: Hahahahahahaha.
Tanmay: Ha! I just got a mental image of two snacks doing it.
Person: You mean two 'snakes'! Hahahaha.
Tanmay: Yes, and then a little snake is born. Tiny little earthworm like.
Person: Errr.
Tanmay: Oh! Oh! Oh! What did one gujju snake tell the other?
Person: Ummm. No idea.
Tanmay: Sssssssssssuuuuu Che?
Person: *wierd dial tone*
Tanmay: Hello? | | |
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